....Let it go !!!..for good !

Forget Him

Forget his name...Forget his face..

Forget his kiss...His warm embrace..

Forget the love that you once knew...

Remember he has someone new...

Forget him when they played your song..

Remember when you cried all night long..

Forget how close you once were..

Remember he has chosen her..

Forget you memorized his walk..

Forget the way he used to talk..

Forget the things he used to say...

Remember he has gone away...

Forget his laugh..forget his grin..

Forget the dimples on his chin..

Forget the way he held you tight..

Remember he's with her tonight...

Forget the time that went do fast..

Forget the love that move it's past..

Forget he said he'll leave you never..

Remember he's gone forever.....

....lost...

I have been thinking of blogging for a while now...coz there have been so many things happening all around me....and i just cant write on any one of those many incidents...Its like a whole new phase i am not ready to go through...

How do you feel when people just walk up to you and call you ugly...Blv you me...be you a girl or a boy that definitely stings...I mean..i initially thought of naming this post 'turning ugly' ....but then i thought it was more than jus my face ...more than my hugely ugly body...it was about me...the inside of me...which has been turning black for quite a while now....because you suddenly realise how things have changed and you are no more urself...and there s nothin more painful than losing yourself...

When you stand in front of the mirror and look at that ugly self you wonder where has it all gone ? The way you had been this crazy li'll girl doing whatever you want to...dancing on your own tracks....creating your own ways...standing out than fitting in....blvn in urself...smiling ur way out...

......and all that you see in the mirror is like this ridiculous ugly lost soul..searching for air...literally dieing of claustrophobia....losing yourself is indeed a very very painful thing...coz you lose half your life in it...

You start wearing ridiculous dumb clothes which you have never worn...trying to fit in this huge crowd....scared of the monsters in the big city....wanting to run away in you own deep hole....it is very very very difficult specially if you have never been that way !

And eventually there comes a time when you fall on your knees wanting to cry your lungs out ...staring at the deep dead sky and wishing for a star.... you know those wishing stars...coz you suddenly realise you no longer have all that you used to...and living seems so lame...but death is a lame-er option....and you just want to run back from where you had started it all....But just like always life has it...you just cant do that...you just live on with the lost self.....searching for it in every other alley...and badly failing....

...i dont know how much you could relate to this...and if you couldnt...it doesnt really bother me !

Broken dreams and more...

There are always ridiculous second thoughts about certain situations and thing in life at times when you can do absolutely nothing about them but just think about it and in all possibilities wish that we had never done it ! But the biggest risk in life is not taking one ! And before you read ahead i warn you that this blogpost might be really random, so do not try to get THE FLOW !

Yes , so back to what i was saying...if there is something i keep thinking about , i mean giving second thoughts about all the time, that has to be my 'coming to Sydney'..There are times i wonder..What did i do , why did i do this ? I mean hellooo...i am 18, am i not supposed to be living a HAPPY life ? Like with friends around, doing what i have always wanted to, and for a change living my dreams. Yes , no wonder Sydney is a beautiful place. But its the people who make you feel about a place, and well , not too fortunately , people around didnt make me feel i could stay back .

Life is so random and so so freaking unpredictable, aint it ? I remember this parent teachers meeting in school. I had always been an average student. My teacher told my mother ,' dont let her study what everyone else does, she is born to be original.' And here i am trying to figure out systems and wires and how the internet works and everything that is not original. I cant even fucking draw anything these days , forget about being creative. You cant be creative if they come and stamp and smother your dreams right in front of you. The last time i had written a story was seven months back, that is in India. Now all i do is open the last page of my not-so-used notebook, start off with a couple of lines, scratch it off , close the notebook and done. Beautiful , aint it ? And trust me , there are people who absolutely love to see me that way !

It is difficult you know, very difficult to be someone who you are not. Very difficult to write java programs when you all you want to do is fill the canvas with colors , but the worst part is when you realise , you are left back with only two colors, grey and more grey.

Yes, no one forced me to come here. I cam here by my own wish. But then how about mixing up some poison in a beautiful apple , made sure it looks redder and tempting and then keep it write in front of you, nice eh ! You thought such things dont happen here, people live their own dreams ? No they dont. They still live other people's wishes.

I dont want to know how a system crashes and i dont want to know how many brackets need to be included in a java program ,just let go.. and let me live my dream. I just want to do something where I know i will be the best in, and not something like a thousand other theories and codes people mug up , things written by someone else. They say there aint enough money in it, i dont want the fucking money dude, i just want to get back to my happy self. Just let me be ME.

I am 18 damn it, i need a HAPPY life, where i can smile and laugh for absolutely no reason , i dont have to watch Russell Peters to laugh. But then you never know how things are gonna be till you are there. A lot like you bite the poisoned apple and you dont know if you are to throw it or swallow it coz the poison is anyway in you.

Burnt dreams....a blog is just so small to hide them...and trust me that is the most painful thing that can happen to you.

....Baba...

.

..This should be short...

...Its 12:45 at night and have two assignments due tomorrow...and well just kinda trying to get a break...This has been a weird day..and as expected am hunting for words right now...It been more like , i want-to-go-to-my-baba-right-now day...No, nothing is going wrong here , no one is killing me, no one is hating me... (or maybe...)..Its just one of those moments when all a girl needs is her hero, her father...

Like they say, a Dad is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love..but for me he is both, my always-standing-tall hero , my first love, cause i know there is no place higher than on my Daddy's shoulders.I remember when i was this kid and one day i had this real fight with a bunch of boys , i came home crying, looking for my mother , and she wasnt home and my father came upto me and asked what was wrong , i told him , that i had a fight with 4 boys and they had hit me , then he asked me , 'so did you hit them back as well ?' and i cried and said , 'They are boys baba , i am a girl , they are stronger'...and i still remember what he said that day , he picked me up , rubbed my tears and said, 'That doesnt matter darling , coz you will always be my strong li'll son. Just go fight them.' And he hugged me tight. I actually went out , ran to them and hit them straight. I dont remember who won , what i remember is what my father told me that still gets me through many a situations.

Baba is someone i know i'll never outgrow my need for. He is someone i know i'll look upto forever , no matter how tall i have grown.

Now that i am so soooo far from him , i realise HE MAKES ME.There are times when i look at life and at it's fight-with-a-bunch-of-boys situation and i wonder if i could run to my dad straight away and he could just hug me . I am just another ordinary girl , overweight , ugly , mediocre and well..nothing special , but to him , i am his li'll Princess. No matter what he'll always manage to find something in me that i never knew i had , something for which i would love myself .

Ma says , Baba always wanted a daughter and the day i was born , well .....he went around saying everyone , i have a daughter , and she will be my son...

My father never tells me how to live; he lives, and lets me watch him do it.

So now that i have been missing my dad terribly at the moment and i really cant catch a flight back home, this blog is for him. I just wanted to tell him..that Baba, some day I will meet my prince charming but YOU...... will always be my king!

Because i know, you will alway be my biggest fan , even when i strike out.....Because the only man i have ever trusted in my life and the one i only will , is you Baba.

You tickled my toes....checked for monsters , showed me the stars....And taught me how to reach them...I love you Dad.

..A wait so lame !

Ya right...and i know just like all times this post is gonna be an epic fail in terms o venting the spleen !!! anyway...i dont mind trying...its kinda 1:30 at night...m sleepy ...terribly sleepy..tired ...like half dead..i cant even freaking move aside...tired enough to not being able to reach my hands out to get a bottle of water...but yep..here i am ...waiting..yes..you read it right....i am waiting....and you might as well not ask me for what ??

I dont mind if you can sort that out....ya i know its hilarious and well...dumb...but i have absolutely no idea why i am doing this...i mean i have absolutely no reason to stay awake and do absolutely nothing but listen to ridiculous songs...and go around my room searching for nothing....and sit on my bed staring out of the window looking at nothing .....and then now that i am all tired of waiting for nothing ..i just made up my mind i NEED to sleep..and if i dont i might as well die cause my body pains and my brain is half dimunitive.... but that is not the point...the thing is now that i am finally going to sleep...i just feel weird...

I mean everything happens for a reason right ?? And thus was this wait...it occurred for a reason but not till it was over did i realise it was so lame....the reason...the wait...both of them...coz now that i sit and blog for again no reason ...i wonder what was i doing so long ??? what the hell was i waiting for ?? or maybe .....who the hell was i waiting ?? what was thinking ??? where was i going ??? and why was i thinking so much ?? What was so freaking wrong with me that made me start living in dreams all over again..dont be presumptuous..i m not in love...or maybe..no...i m not.....duuuh !!!!....i know you have already figured out where i am heading to...so thats about it....hopefully i'll remain sane at the end of it all....but yeah..

I just realised what i was waiting for....something....i shouldnt have waited for....a wait so lame...

Friends over a cup of tea..

Well...its been a while since i published a post....i mean i keep writing them and then go save it...i never feel it something good enough for other people to waste their time on...(not that i feel this one is an exception)....but anyway...

Today happens to be friendship day....something that i have been celebrating for the last....well.....12 years i guess...but the difference this year ..m kinda pretty pretty far from the people whom i call friends...i remember how i used to gather friendship bands , rings, cards and gifts every year...just like every other teenage girl would...very predictable.....aint it..and this year..here i am sitting over a cup of tea wondering if i could just some how go back right now....go hug them and say.....thank you for making me....

Its funny how F.R.I.E.N.D.S is what u miss the most when ur away from ur homeland....every crazy moment spent ,every freaky sms sent , every promise kept and bent...everything starts coming back to you....there are times when in a city as big n busy as this you find yourself sitting all alone in some stupid cafe or a bench by the harbour looking at the empty seats beside...... and that is when you wish ...you wish...you had a friend there.....you could hug someone and say.....i missed u....

Into Myself...

Well...even before i start i just hope this post stays small, funny and quick.....coz not that i was in a mood to write or something..its just that i wasnt in a mood for anything else...so i chose to write...not a very good thing to do...

For the last few days i had been analyzing myself...and after cursing myself and hating the 'me' for always...i realised the 'me' wasnt actually that bad as i thought it to be...i actually surprise myself at times....The way i handle people and their shitt is strangely quite fascinating...i mean i am not supposed to be good at this....i m a freaking single child and being a girl just helps to add on to the spoilt factor......or maybe no...wait...i m not spoilt...i am just too loved....too loved to come across any shitt.....but then...just the way life has it...it changes...its fascinating how i stand against the winds that i once thought would blow me down...i am glad i can stand the unfriendly fire which some people seem to ignite in me....yes..it burns....it bleeds inside...but its beautiful to stand through the pain...the bleeding..the heat...I remember when those moments of humiliation & sarcasm made me think maybe i was not worth it.....maybe my ideas were a bit too weird...and m so pleased that now i understand, that they were not weird , they were just too original for them , too different for them to accept it....

Yes i accept i am not the kind of girl one would dream of , i am obese , i am dark and ugly...i cant do hand stands and i am not one of these hip chicks you would see these days....

And funnily enough i am glad i am not one of them... coz i know i stand out...stand out for who i am....so i am thankful to the ones who laughed and denied me...coz u jus made me stronger...and thankfully there are people who love me just this way...just the ugly-ly beautiful way i am...and of all the people i know...i love them the most............and for the ones who were there...

Coz i know eventually they r the ones who were there, are there...and will stay for ever....

....Just another Blog post !

Its funny how at this point of the night , i remove my quilt off from my tired and not so properly shaped body, kill my not-so-peaceful slumber and sit up in front of my computer to blog !! I suddenly had this sudden urge to analyse life , which probably is not a very good thing to do at 1:08 in the night.

Right now with my results coming out in less than a couple of weeks , i really dont find much of a thing to do all day but watch dumb and not-so-dumb chick flicks , and then sit and just roam around the lonely house like a creepy monster and have raspberry jam with multi-grained bread badly wishing someone somehow would come take me away from this !! I believe i just need to get over this phase of nothing-is-going-wrong. Say for now ,half of what i am writing is not even close to what i want to write !! I mean i just need to do something to myself !!!

Around a couple of months back when i re-joined my dance classes , i felt so i-m-still-alive and i started painting again and possibly things were falling in place and was eventually less rude to people close to me and spoke more to people who wanted to do so and was eventually smiling and just being happy , I stopped cursing myself in front of the mirror and stopped analysing as to how much weight i need to lose in order to make myself acceptable to myself.

It isnt a easy job , it definitely is not !!! I mean its strange how one person can make and break you . Ya i know , your wondering , there she goes back to her same old shitt and melodrama. But that definitely matters . It was my sisters birthday party last week which was great fun and not-so-great-fun for for not so reasonable reasons. I had been waiting for this for months and there it was , i danced again and had a hell of an evening and when i came back i cried myself to sleep !!! Disastrous !!

But anyway , I hope to get rid of this , this weird thing that never leaves me. There is this friend of mine who once said,"i used to be a romantic ...now im just narcissistic and more practical...sydney brings that out in you"..I can so relate to this !!! I feel drained and dry !!! Its difficult u know , coz it so hurts when u lose it, lose all that you believed you ever had ! Its so so difficult.

.....How one single person can make you and break you at the same time !! I wish you knew....I wish you did....

I've learnt...

I've learnt that you cannot make someone love you .All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in .

I've learnt that no matter how much i care some people are just assholes.

I've learnt that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion and not proof to destroy it.

I've learnt that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learnt that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, they are way more screwed up than you think.

I've learnt that you keep vomiting long after you think you've finished.

I've learnt that we are responsible for what we do ,unless we are celebrities.

I've learnt that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learnt that the people you care most about in life are taken away from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away....

I've learnt all of this shitt and you better trust me when i say this happens....coz shitt happens...

Rain in the city !!

.....As I stood on 83 Clarence street , waiting for my 194 bus , i noticed the faraway buildings looked hazier with every growing second... and before i could run under the building the rain drops had licked my pink converses . After a horrendous paper , even the rain didnt excite me , but then there was this gush of wind , which blew off the strands of hair from my face and i suddenly beautiful. I looked up from under the shelter of my black umbrella and the tall and very tall buildings looked beautiful . It was raining ...raining in the city . A different view , a different atmosphere. People hustling in formals from this side to that to avoid there perfectly pleated skirts and ironed shirts and perfectly smooth jackets.

The wind blew my hair again and i folded back my umbrella inside my bag ! I stared around me for watchers and i didnt find many people except for an old woman in a pink skirt and a young girl in her school dress. The rain literally tempted me...i just had to do it ...With all guts collected (this aint a movie scene so you just cant stand in middle of the road to get wet in the rain, and thus needs guts when others are watching) i put forward a step and yet another step till i was out under the clear sky and the big and small rain droplets kissed my face , and soon enough my face , and hair was washed , and it felt beautiful , i felt washed , washed off all that was happening in me , all that i wanted to throw away , the tall buildings amidst the black n blue sky looked down upon me and......and i suddenly saw that li'll school girl beside me grinning at me all wet.... i smiled back and there we were both drenching down , and that old lady smiling her heart out at us !!!

The wet road and the beautiful suddenly-brought-to-life leaves on the trees was the best ever i could see...it was marvelous.. and droplets cleaning me down !!!

Today it was rain , rain in the city , rain on the roads , rain on the leaves , rain on that old lady who wanted be a child again , rain on the school girl who wanted to jump on the water puddles.....It was Rain , RAIN IN THE CITY , RAIN ON ME !!

You in my black diary !

.....The other day when i sat on my bed with my 'black diary' under the shining light yellow light of my side table lamp , i turned the crippled , less crippled and fresh pages.....crippled for the times i was angry n crushed the poor pages in my fists , less crippled for the times i cried and my tears kinda disoriented the texture of the smooth pages , and the fresh ones either refer to the days i was happy or i didnt write at all !!

I moved from one page to the other and then the other and the next !! i tried finding a page where your name wasnt scribbled , ridiculously i found none !! i wondered where you really that important that i spent lines after lines , writing about you !! Couldnt really analyse !!

There where pages where i had just written your name a million times , like some chanting machine !! in pages i just scribbled some ridiculous meaningless poetry-kinda lines which in these days no one would care to give an ear to...i wrote them some night , for you..

Somewhere in between there where lines where i told my black diary how much i hated you...how much i disliked you for not loving me back , there where less crippled pages with smudged handwriting explaining myself why i cant just let it go ...Some pages filled with a stupid dream i dreamt about 'us' last night...and i dreamt such dreams quite often..some lines revealing how i always wondered if you care....even now !!!

And there where pages where i wished you just came out of them and kissed me and i would never cry to bed again !!

...but the strangest part was ....nothing ..nothing in those pages where real !!! they where all wishes ...a wish that someday u'll remember i exist !! a wish that somehow you'll care about the way i feel !! and a wish that someday you too will love me back !!!

But then after everything i just thought....will 'us' happen for real or will 'us' forever stay in those crippled , less crippled pages of my black diary and someday be lost forever !!

Lost Inkpot !!

.....The other day as i sat in the Data Communication class with my professor in front of me trying to explain the importance of an IP addresse , I felt this sudden urge to get my pen moving on the paper , to write down something , anything... I remembered how i wrote pages after pages , in the last pages of my notebook , my school rough diary , in my black big diary , word documents after documents , during those horrendous business maths classes , after the lunch break in school , during my commerce classes and after returning from my bengali tutions . I had pages after pages , notebooks and sheets and diaries all around me all the time , in my bag , on my bed , on the dining table , in the store room , under my pillow , everywhere filled with proof of my imagination running wild .

But its funny how it doesnt happen with me anymore... Every time i want to write something , i just done get the write track to follow , i miss the words , or i just dont get on with a good beginning or better still i dont even know what to write...I remember how Enasree and myself wrote pages after pages....she was miraculous at poetry , it flowed like a fountain out of her fingers and i dealt with stories , we just did it ...those lazy afternoons on the verandah behind our classes....writing out...venting out....and how my literature teachers loved them...

Sometimes i wonder ...whats wrong with me ?? Why cant i just write ? Have i lost it ?? The very imagination ? I literally stammer(not literally) to even write a freaking blog... I am clueless of how to start a story ...the beginnings look rough and edgy....My black diary looks blank and empty , the pages left alone with no scar of ink....I dont get the words , i cant describe the rains , the feelings, i just dont get it !!!

Silly me !!!

Sometimes i wonder do i ever cross your mind ?? It happens with me all the time. Its half past 11 in the night ,i m all alone, i confess m a li'l drunk and i want to be with you now...Its like an invisible hug . Theres no one around , no warmth , no love , i cross my arms around my own chest hugging myself , closing my eyes believing ur there . I dreamt last night . And i so love my dreams where nothing stops me to be urs , not even you . When everyones slept off at home i go to my hidden folders and stare at your that one picture of yours , you look so good , so mine. And then i stare at my mobile screen wishing ....wishing the next call would be yours . So unrealistic , so impractical , my best friend hated me for this , and then the other day i stood in front of my long mirror , and i rebuked myself of the silly thing i was wishing for, for not being able to go along with reality , but that didnt stop that huge red organ beneath the layers of skin on my chest to stop thinking bout u. And then suddenly i felt i saw something behind me. He felt like you . I turned back , i was so happy i almost leaped ahead to hug u when BOOM !!! I banged against a wall ...the wall between u n me ....The wall seperating reality and my tears ...over with my dreams , over with that smile , over with my silliness....back to reality...But i guess it'l take some time... I am gonna be fine..I am gonna be fine..

....THAT mood..

How many of u have gone through that specific mood , when nothing feels right, and all you wanna do is probably just cry , but again when ur ready with the tissue box , u cant even cry...it just doesnt happen..

Caught in the similar trap , the only way to vent, i discovered was blogging , even scribbling in my diary dint help. I didnt even try ..... Its funny how nothing feels to go the way it should , but neither can u find the flaws in ur superficial-perfect-life. Memories keep haunting , with purpose u listen to songs that depress u even further and u try ur best to cry, even if it is just a counatble number of tears ...u never know, what if it may help ....... And then u try to remember all the bad things that had ever happened to you , and go back and read your diary and blog posts again and again just to remind urself how much of pain you had once gone through . If your alone , you tend to stand in front of the mirror , place ur fingers and scratch it like they reflected the worst u kud ever look... and then u dont even smile at the dinner table , and u start expecting things that are so impractical , u want this guy u like to like u back when in real that is so far from happening , and then u want all ur frnz to appear in front of you like they were magical creatres and get you out of this bloody mess. And then you start blogging for no reason and believe this blog page can help , but obviously it doesnt . It doesnt really help.....it never never does....and m sure it never will....

........... It doesnt really help.....it never never does....and m sure it never will....

Sydney...my way..

Hey all....after a long tym....

Though i never get tired of writing about heartbreaks and the pathetic phases of life....this time i jus felt like tuning the chords on a different note...

Its been 2 months now that i am away from home...and before i left India i thot i would probably suffocate....get admitted to the ICU in a week's tym..and finally die....wihtout all of my folks back there...bt then....NO...i m still alive...and very much surviving this place...Sydney....

But i definitly miss those days....I miss home....i miss my room and it's red n pink stripped walls with my crap-scrap-work all over it...i miss sleeping all day in my mom's bedroom....i miss things being served at my beck n call..i miss going crazy wid enasree , neil...and all my other fellow mates..(i cant write everybody's name..sorry.. :|..the list is way too long) ....i miss making sudden plans wid sayanti...and then workin them out...i miss being hugged tight by ree...my li'll sister...i miss being screamed at by Baba for not followin his dress code...i miss Ma's face when she used to get paranoid about my piercings..and i miss dadu's call from downstairs....i miss it all..i miss every bit of it....

Before the last two months i dont remember the last tym when i worked myself to get a glass of water..or when i bent down to move my pyjamas from the middle of the floor....but now i clean my entire room...i make my own breakfast..i make dinner....i take responsibilties... (ma must be feeling so happy readin this eh)....and i hate it... aftr the first two weeks of arrival i wanted to run back home..

But somewhere round the corner i feel this place has made me what i should be n not what i wanted to b....that definitely disgusts me.....falling into a routine and doing things in the convinient way was never my cup of tea...bt now m doin it.....

This place is weird...the hilly roads....the busy city...the i-really-dont-have-time-to-look-at-anyone-else attitude of people here...and the bustling streets and the lonely quiet suburbs...they kinda keep you in a strange trance......

The first tym i called my best friend back home....n the first thing that i said was.."Dude..people here are so fake man..this place sucks..."

But now i know if u search a li'll deeper u gonna find atleast one true smile amongst the many fake ones...and that one smile is gonna make ur day warmer...

and i do have reasons to smile..i do have reasons to forget he past...forget all that i have and havnt done...and jus move on...MOVE on for a better day...a better ME...

I miss it back home...bt i gotta make history here.... :)

LOVING SYDNEY...MISSING INDIA...