The mother..

Tired and fatigue she looked at the wooden door as it creaked open,
He walked in with a bunch of the most beautiful yellow roses.
The sight of it made her smile making her wrinkles visible.
Her sagging skin glowed even then. She got up from her chair leaving the half knitted maroon scarf on the carpet.
He put the bunch in the old ivory vase. She walked up and touched them, and it made her cry with joy.
She had loved yellow roses since she was 16, it reminded her of her father who had planted dozens of yellow rose plants in their backyard, it reminded of how her father loved these flowers more than himself, it reminded of her childhood summer evenings, not any more though.
He walked into the kitchen to prepare lunch and she wobbled and hurried behind him.
"I cooked dinner for my son today, would you also like to have some with us ?"
Her old fragile hands shook as they searched for spoons.
He looked at her closely and with the most dying smile he said 'Yes please.'
'I made porridge today, i think, but i dont remember where i kept it', she struggled with the spoons and looked around everywhere for the bowl of porridge. It was no where.
'I cant find it anywhere dear, i cant find it, would you help me young man', she started sobbing and cheeks were tasting salt water, her hands started shaking terribly and she looked around frantically.
He help her by the shoulders and turned her around to a shelf with a note that said, 'No Porridge today'.
'Oh ! did my son leave that ??', She fell on the floor throwing away the mittens all over...'What did i do ?? But where is the porridge ?? What shall i do when my son comes??'
He came closer and hugged her tight,' Because it is you birthday mumma, and we shall have cakes and wine tonight.'
She looked at  him so much wonder in her eyes, as she ran her withered hands through his hair looking deeper into his eyes, weeping harder, she whispered, 'Your my son....yes...your my son..My son !! You are my son !!'
'Yes mumma...'
He pulled her up steady and they walked up to the table, they both smiled and they drank wine that night and she had the cake as well.
And as the night came to an end and he took her mother to sleep, lying on the big bed, she help his hand tight,'What was your name again ??'.....and tears rolled down his eyes.
'Nathan mumma...your son Nathan'.
And she turned over to sleep.

The sickness

She walked past the chapel in a hurry. She tried to look around and she had the usual stare from everyone.
Her hands felt cold and sweaty....and shaky. She walked faster and ran down the steps to the rehearsal room she usually chose to confide herself into. Beth was one of the popular girls in university. No, she wasn't some star let, neither did her hotness make boys go weak on the knees, her father wasn't stinking rich and well...she definitely wasn't a hippie. She was just the carefree-no-worries kind of person, too loveable and too adorable.
She was in her third semesters, an art student of the finest of fine arts colleges in London. She had nothing to complain in life. She had a happy family, and everyone in college loved her....everyone but herself. And this hadn't happened for long....There was no reason she could possibly hate herself....there was nothing wrong with her, i mean no one is flawless, but nothing why she could punish herself into starvation till she could count her rib bones....but it happened.
Rachel ran into the room.
'Beth, what are you doing here ?? I have been looking for you all over.'
'Ah sorry...was just wanting to be by myself for a while.'
'You can do that later. We need you in the other rehearsal room right away. The showcase is tomorrow.'
'Just give me some time Rachel, I'll be there in ten minutes. I just need to..'
'Are you feeling sick ??'
'Rachel, for God's sake please. Not you now. I am not sick. I am not freaking sick', Beth screamed.
'Stop screaming at me. Its not me, everyone says that.', Rachel turned red with every word she yelled.
'Let everyone say what they have to, they are lame and stupid, I am just trying to..',Beth couldnt finish.
'Trying to do what Beth ?? Tell me what ?? Tell me right now...Your mum thinks your sick, the teachers, your friends, everyone around you, look at your eyes, the veins are redder than ever, and you never had dark circles untill last month. This purging is not helping. Whats going on? You dont eat and you sit all by yourself in this dark room. I need to know, I am your best friend, Your killing yourself and i am just watching you do it', Rachel yelled back.
'Dont you yell at me, I know what i am doing, I am fine, I am fine damn it. I dont need your advice right now. and i dont care what others think. I am fine...I am..I am right ?? YES...i am..O my God..'....She held her stomach in her clutches and sat down crying out with pain.
'Oh no...Is it the pain again??' Rachel ran to her best friend.
Beth was panting for breath, she scratched the walls and her nails made an ugly sound, her eyes turned red and she was gasping for breath, her lips lost color and her face turned paler than ever. Her hands shook like they has no bones in them and with the inaudible voice she cried. 'Take me to the bathroom Rachel, Please.'
Rachel almost lifted her best friend up in her arms and carried her to the bathroom.
And even before she could settle herself steady, she threw up, she threw up water that smelt of bad acid, the white floor tiles was sprinkled with red and dark red. Rachel stood horrified.
Beth covering her mouth with her one hand and the other almost tearing her hair off with pain, she moaned and looked with despair and shock. Her hands trembling. Rachel hugged her warm in her arms. Beth cried louder. With heavy panting breath she looked up at her whispering with pain, 'Am i going to die Rachel?? Am i going to die??'

She never was sure...she still isnt..

She never was sure...she still isnt...
She walked the aisle of the church wearing the most beautiful wedding gown ever holding her daddy's hand. Every eye in that church beamed with splendor. The love of her life stood right there at the end of the walk way...and soon enough she was to hear what she had craved to hear forever..you-may-now-kiss-the-bride...she looked divine...As she stepped up the podium and stood right in front of her man...her eyes shot right across to the very first seat...and she saw everyone she loved in her life...her mum and dad...her little sister...and then she saw him..her best friend...a smile stretched across her face...not a very wedding smile though...
The father read the lines and she kept turning back to see him...see if everything was ok...see if he was smiling or just making himself smile...And then the rings came....and her fingers cold and stiff....made her groom look at her with questions in his eyes...and her eyes didnt reply to any of them...
And then everyone stood up with joy...and the father went... 'You may now kiss the bride...'
She turned back yet again...He looked at her ...and she tried read his eyes... 'jealousy' ?? 'belonging'?? 'pain'?? 'anger' ?? but she could read none of them....because it was hope that made his eyes sparkle...a hope that made him believe she wouldnt kiss...
She turned to her man...and turned back again...
She wasnt sure then...she still isnt....

Kota tuli..kichu rong..

Kichu rong er kouto..kichu shoru mota tuli...niye boshlo chotto she meyeta...

Maa bole, ki akbi aaj maa ?

Bhalobasha maa, aaj aami ektu bhalobasha akbo...

Heshe maa bole, dhur boka..Bhalobasha ki aar aka jaye naki...she to kebol ak anubhuti..

Jed barlo aaro beshi meye r, Akbo e aaj aami bhalobasha...

Du chokh joto dur chailo...kichu e she paina akar moto...

Dekhlo duto pakhi bot gacher daale...futlo mukhe hashi choto maeyer mukhe...

Oi je maa, peyechi...

Kintu akte giye dakhe....e ki?? e to kebol akta gaach..kebol e duto pakhi...bhalobasha je nei er majhe...

Beriye galo ghor theke...Dekhlo ak projapoti...gaacher daal e rod poacche...

Tobe ei akbo aami...hashlo abar meye....

Kintu tuli haat e niye bhabe...e ki ?? e je kebol ak prani....kebol e to duto gaacher pata...bhalobasha koi??

Chut e galo mora nodir pare...shukno she nodir dhare takiye dakhe...ak churiola...

Heshe uthe bole...ei tobe peyechi khuje....akbo onke churi...

Kintu rong diye bhabe..o maa, e je kebl ronger khela...churir majhe bhalobasha nei kano ??

Chokh bhore uthlo jole..chutlo she barir tore....

Maa ke joriye dhore bollo meye,'Maa bhalobasha je aakte e hobe amake..bolo maa kothaye pabo take'

Kole tule tar choto meye, bolo jononi ektu bhebe ektu heshe...

Takiye dakh maa charidike...ja e dekhbi...shob e je taar deoa...shobe te e to ache bhalobasha....khujle pabi na re shona...

Apon mon e bosh nijer tore...dekhbi koto bhalobasha ashe jabe....

Jeta pochondo eke nish dhore...

Thamlo meyer kanna tokhon....Onek heshe chailo maa er paan e ...

Futlo aalo chotto shei chokh e...

Joriya dhore bollo maa ke...

Bhalo basha je akte e hobe amake....Toke e aaki tobe....

Notes to you my Love..

I aint a poet...neither a scholar...

I cant write songs...neither can i scribble novels..

I fail to music the flowing words...and miss out on the beats you hear...

But you my love sing me songs from a land far away from where i stay...

You my boy pull the strings so deep, the scar embed itself deeper...

I fail to paint love with red...they are all in blue and grey...

I have forgotten how it is to turn red....with ecstasy...

I despise my choices, and deny my being myself...

But you my love have kissed my skin and it has been crimson since then...

You my boy have made love to the soul and it hasnt stopped glowing since then....

I hope no more on falling stars..I fail to believe miracles are real...

I remember building walls around....and they have been my bean bag since...

I smile less, and smirk more...

But you my love have broken every brick in the wall....

You my boy have made every fading smile breath and breed love and they shine like never before...

Tell me how you do it boy...

Tell me how you make me love...tell me how you make me dream...

Tell me my boy...Tell me how you do it...

Tell me how you sing the love song for her...

And make me smile yet...love you stronger , deeper...

Scared i am....scared you might just like a blissful wish..be gone in a whisper....

Scared how i cheat myself...scared the end maybe disastrous...scared you may not be there when it hurts most....

But there is so much love my boy...the fear never resides long...

The hatred rarely comes back...

Tell me how you do it my love...

Tell me how you make me love....

The house that used to be...

Maya rolled down the glasses of her car, removed her expensive sunglasses and let the wind rush in and kiss her hair. She smelt childhood.
She stepped out of the car and looked around. Her age old hometown still smelt the same as it did twelve years ago. The houses were still the same, a few of them looked newly painted but they still smelt warmth. 
She turned around to look at the house she had lived her first ten years of her life. The sky blue paint had come of in most of the areas. The red and orange bricks were showing. The iron gate still didnt look rusty. The window panes gave way to the sun and every ray that peeped in looked like they were paying homage to happiness that once dwelt there.
Creepy creepers creepily creeped out of a few broken bricks.
Maya took a step forward and leaned over the house and smelt laughter on the huge platform near the gateway. Flashes of her brother and her best friend playing mud castles in the garden crossed her mind.
She felt a streak of tears flowing down her face.
She turned around to walk away to her car when suddenly she saw an old man standing by the old watermelon tree selling puffed rice to little kids. The same old man who once sold her puffed rice every evening. The same old watermelon tree where she had first met her childhood best friend, who no more lives in the red house at the crossing.
She looked at the crushed paper bags and then again at the old man. How come he still looked the same. Maybe just a few more wrinkles and that he wore glasses now. Heavy thick glasses.
And as eveyrthing started getting back to her she closed her eyes, and as a tear or two trickled down her skin, she breathed in deep, and deeper, to inhale in some nostalgia, some laughter that used to be....some life that used to be...some childhood that used to be....
And she walked back to the car.....smiling.

To the boy who sings the midnight song..

I sit up on the bed..moving my duck feather quilt at midnight..

The heater in the room giving the bare warmth to my tired body..

I light up a cigarette, and as the grey and white smoke fil up the room... I hear you tune ur six string.

I hear you sing the midnight song, in a land far away from where i stay..

I move up in my bed and my senses seem to lose its way..

An uncontrolled smile takes over my lips...

And i want you close...

My body pining and my nerves whining to have you by my side...

The bed side lamp grows dim..

And my sight grows hazy..I smell invisible weed..

I hear you sing for me...for her..for everyone you see..

Every puff reminds me of your smile..and every word you sing gives me solace that you are close by...

The phone stays stuck to my ears and I hear you breath fall heavy..I fell them near my ears..and every hair on my body, like a censor...telling me your there..very much there..

You sing the midnight song, oh so sweet oh so divine..

Sing me another song my boy...

Sing me another song, because i see life...a good life..in every word you sing.every chord you change..every smile you smile..

Sing me another song my boy..

Tell me how you write your songs, How do you sing them..

Who do they speak of ? Do they speak of her ? Do they speak of me ? Do they speak of the lands unknown or the love that is yet to be??

Cause i see daylight beyond the distant horizon..i see a tomorrow..

I see you there...singing your song for her...

I smile...

I cry...

I wish you were here...

Sing me a midnight song O Boy, my body aches..my senses lose its way..

Dont you leave me here...the smoke gets me choking..its dark in here...
Sing me a song o boy...sing me a song...

The guy in the wallet.

Maya ran down the stairs at a pace comparable to light....
'Take your earrings Maya, and your saree is in a mess.....look where your walking.',Maya's mother ran behind her daughter as she got ready for her best friend, Neil's wedding.
'Neil is going to kill me today, his designer is already there and m still starting my bloody car. OK.Bye Maa, be there soon.', Maya waved to her mother.
'What will i do with this girl'...her mother sighed as she picked up a bangle from the floor.
At Neil's residence.
'Dude, m so sorry. I just slept off in the afternoon man....' Maya ran into Neil's room.
Neil was standing right there like a scarecrow, his designer trying to fix up last minute edges on his kurta.
'Shut up Maya...i am freaking out, dont u get it...Look at me, i look like a corpse..'
'You always did Neil...bloody anemic moron. '
'There you go, all done, you look perfect Neil, doesn't she Maya', Neil's designer gave a smile of contempt looking at his creation,'Now i'll let the groom and his best friend to have some last words of freedom.'
As he left the room, Maya walked up to Neil, fixing up his collar,'So this is it huh ??? I still cant believe this. Your getting married jerk.'
'Shut up Maya, I am still trying to cope with the trauma.'
'You'll be fine Neil, Radhika is the best thing that could happen to you.'
'Now you tell me when do you plan to get to the knot?'
'Are you nuts ?? Not in the next million years.I already feel sorry for you', Maya smirked.
'Ya right, i'll see freakhead...or are you still planning to marry the wallet guy ?'Neil asked.
'Shut up Neil.'
'Ah seriously man, i have been hearing for years that your carrying the passport size photo of the guy you love, the guy you are gonna get so called married to..and how come you never show it to anyone, I...of all the people...your best bloody friend never got to see it, i mean look everyone knows its Kabir right ? So what harm in showing',Neil shrieked out.
'Stop screaming...and yes, I dated Kabir when i used feeding bottles man, its like history, you'll get to see baby', Maya's voice cracked and her eyes sparkled with a tear at the corner of the eye.
Neil noticed it and before he could hug her, the relatives rushed into the room to take the groom away for the ceremony.
Maya stared at him as he walked away with puzzled eyes fixed on her. Maya smiled at him and so did he.
Best friends, whenever they have those sheepish smiles, you know they are upto something, but maybe not always.
And Maya stood their with Neil's Mum watching her best friend taking the vows and the rounds, she cracked up at times and smiled at times and there were times when she just stared into the fire. Neil looked happy. Neil looked divine that day. And everytime Maya noticed it she felt so so happy for him that she could cry.
And after all of the rituals and ceremony was done, the bride and the groom and their friends were up and on for the rest of the night.
Maya walked upto Neil, bent over and hugged both him and Radhika....'I am so happy for you guys. All the best for everything. I'll just go and help Radhika change ok ? Neil keep these with you.',and Maya walked off with Radhika to the other room flinging off her mobile and wallet on his lap.
And in the smoky alcoholic air, Neil had the weirdest never felt before urge to sneak into Maya's wallet, just to confirm Kabir's picture.
And as he pulled out the photo, Neil's smirk disappeared and all he could do was stare at it. His face paler and whiter. And everything around him seemed blank and unreal. And before he could breathe,Maya ran into the room, 'Shitt i left my wallet'.
She saw Neil holding the open wallet with the photo in his hand, exactly the thing she had feared. She walked upto him, bent over kissed him on his cheek and smiled,'It was me who stole your best photo from the blue album.'Her voice cracking, her eyes welled up.
Neil looked at his best friend and suddenly realized how beautiful she looked that night, how beautiful her eyes were and how much of love they spoke and he tried to say something,'Maya...'
Maya turned back,'Neil...'. And they smiled at each other. And with that smile and an aura of silence, they said every possible thing they could have to each other, of love, of friendship, of life, of promises kept and broken, of trust, and of just being them.
They smiled.

...The Room..that used to be..

..Its been 6 years since she had walked into that her room...
...That room which was once her life...an epitome of love an emotions and good times, bad times and just times that used to be...
The pink and red striped walls, the rectangular wooden bed sheet-ed black and white...
She looked to the right and smiled....The sun still peeped in through the huge french windows, and the mustard spartex floor still shined just like before...A few of her paintings still hanged to the right of the bookshelf. 
And a fleet of memories flew in and out, she smelt the cigarette smoke in the air, she smelt love stories on the bed and on the beanbag, she heard her best friend cry sitting on that couch, she saw Shannah, her little kitten sitting on the bed, she saw herself sitting on the window sill on the moonlit nights, and then the old maid who sweeped the floors and the bookshelf to the left, the Shakespeare series stood stranded, dusty and lonely.
She smelt laughter that used to be, she smelt friendship that dwelt, she smelt tears that she had now run out of...she smelt her school uniform in the wardrobe and her school shoes in the shoe rack...and a school bag by the table...a few photos from the school excursion, still stuck on the glass of the wardrobe..
No more did her best friends make love on that bed, no more did Rishi sit and cry on that couch after losing his brother, and no more did they all fill up the room with a smell of vodka mixed with toxic laughter and bizarre dreams if taking on the world...She stared all around....the room still was so the same..just that it smelt different...very different...She looked at the hanging photos, sighed, sat on the window sill, took out a cigarette and as the smoke filled in the air again, she looked out at the stars and wondered,'I m home...where could they be ?? Do they still live where they once used to be?? Do they still walk down the backyard streets..do they still call by the little boy's name across the street ?? Do they still live where they used to be'....

Neil's Birthday

Ting Tong...The doorbell rang at the Chatterjee's....'Maaa.....quick...i need to get in fast...its pouring in here..'
Radha rushed out of her kitchen to open the door for her 19 year old daughter, Maya. 
'Where were you Maa...you got me drenched...look at me...I could scare a scarecrow.'
'The same question goes for you Maya, where were you till 7, I thought your classes got over by 3 on Tuesdays eh....and it doesn't take you four hours to get back home, never mind, can you go change now before you start living on saridons and disprins again?'
'Hey Dee, you wouldnt believe what happened in school today', Ryka, Maya's sister ran out of her room.
'Ah later Ryka..i'll just go change now...'
In less than 15 minutes Maya came down in a pretty blue party dress, all dolled up.
'Whats going on Maya ?', Radha asked
'Ah maa....Have you forgotten? Its Neil's birthday, Got the cake and and a few celebration stuff. Ryka please get at it right away. i want the room all done before he comes. Its not really a surprise but he doesnt know about about the cake..and all of this..'
'Dee...what the hell..'
'Maya...what is wrong with you???'
'Oh please Maa, i m over it, he is my bloody best friend, and he would never celebrate his own birthday, so please..'
'Maya, m not letting you do this...' Radha came up and grabbed the cake packet.
'Have you gone mad Dee ? Why are you doing this ?'
'I have to Ryka, you know that jerk, he'd never do a thing for himself, forget about celebrating his birthday..'
Maya snatched the cake box back, opened up and dug in the candles inside the vanilla cake and brought out a white tshirt from inside her bag.
'So.....when did he say he is coming?',Ryka snapped.
'I dont know, m sure he knows i'll be doing something.So, should be here soon, now please get back to the decoration, its just a couple of balloons and colored paper Ryka', Maya walked up and down the hall starring at the door every other second.
'Are you sure you have a reason for this insanity Maya', Radha starred at her daughter with welled up eyes.
'Oh yes Maa, he comes down every birthday,m sure he will be here any time.', Maya smiled.
An hour passed, and yet another hour, and yet another one...Maya sat on tha huge couch near the doorway, staring out of the window.
Ryka walked up to her sister, held her arms in a tight grip and hugged her tighter,'You sure he'd come? Neil da is so forgetful,how about I keep the cake in the fridge? We can all have it tomorrow?'
Maya looked up at her little sister, disbelief in her eyes,'But he always came didnt he ? He is my best friend Ryka'.
Radha gestured her younger daughter to take Maya upstairs to bed.
Maya creeped in to her bed, a beautiful wind blew in by the window. Neil loved windows. The wind dried up the tears on her fair skin. The moon peeped in and lit up her bed. She slid her hands under the pillow and pulled out a rusty photoframe. There she starred, at her best friend. She pulled out her school year book and fluttered the pages to the 'Memoirs Page'. And their again, she looked at her best friend. And beneath that beautiful smiling face, the photo title read 'Neil Roy (1989-2010)'. She closed the book and left it on the side of her pillow, creeped in to her big white blanket, hugging that rusty photo frame.
And the stars heard a little girl whisper to her best friend in the frame, to the love of her life,'Wish you were here jerk, you still havent learnt to keep promises huh.' And she kissed him on the glass, looked out of the window. The winds blew, the moonlight lit up her face and she smiled to sleep.

What if you were....

I wonder.....

What if you were the rain?? Would you come run down my honey beige skin..would you camouflage those warm salty tears...or would you just trickle down my hair, and further down my back reminding of all the promises you couldn't keep....

What if you were the rays of the Sun?? Would you come hug me on a cold winter morning...would you make my welled-up eyes sparkle...or would you just come kiss my skin and remind me of all the times i wished you were closer...

What if you were the wind that blows by?? Would you run through my hair and let it fly like the pretty princess movies or would you just shoo away all the bad that tried to touch me?

What if you were my big white blanket ?? Would you embrace me when i dreamt of you....those chilly nights...would you kiss me good night?? Or would you just lay there on me...making me wish upon stars that you were with me.....

...And what if I were the strings on your six-string....Would your fingers write a tune on me ??? Or would you still be singing the Love Song for her ?? The one you'd never sing for me !

A pot of boiling rice..

Chutti, (that's what i call my aunt,just in case someone who doesn't know it, is reading this) called me in the evening today to help her in the kitchen....She had to get things ready for dinner and because she had a surgery a month ago, she isn't allowed to pick up heavy things...so my part of help was just to bring down the tub of rice for her from the shelf...And then she measured the necessary amount..followed the normal procedure of pouring the water and putting it on fire...and i was asked to come once in a while and check if it isn't burning or the water level isn't going down...but because i had nothing to do....i put on some music and loitered in and around the kitchen....

But then it was more than just that, today...i happened to follow the entire process of how those grains of rice turned into beautiful edible white cooked rice...But in this journey of their makeover...why was it that i only saw pain ?? Was it me or was that the way ?? Just when u pour in those cups of grains into the bowl of water...they know...they know that what will follow next is going to bring them a whole new life...they'll turn all pretty...they'll smell good and every foodie will appreciate them....but then before they can be that, what they also know is they'll be washed in water and put on FIRE !!! And they will have to survive the heat....the burns..and its gonna be a while till they shed their hard brown skin...and the inner prince can emerge... And as the waster started heating...they might....and just might be praying to the heavens that may they be able to endure the burning sensation....cause they know, It is pain that will get them there where they all want to be! They'll boil ferociously, they'll cry a bit....they'll scream a bit...and they'll hate it all the while...but they know they'll still have to be in there !! Because the best is yet to come....They'll have to take the pain in order to be the prince ! Dont they say what doesnt kill actually makes you stronger !! Maybe it does..but it also does make u prettier...

And then after a while the oven was put off...and i could see the beautiful bunch of young princes peeping out from under the foamy liquid, consisting of their shedding skin...the shedding pain...their shedding old rotten selves... and then when they were placed on to the plates...there they were looking gorgeously white...with the most heavenly essence ever...staring at the owner of the plate like one mighty prince....

So....its takes a while my friend...till you get there...sometimes you have to let the pain seep into you..and cleanse off the dirt...and when you have taken it all....what you turn into...is a marvelous creation...that you chose to be created... A little pain is good my friend...a little pain is good !

...They are YOUR dreams! LIVE them!

DREAMS...two kinds......theres one that occurs unconsciously, and there are ones that we WANT to dream, the kind that we wish was reality.

This blogpost is more regarding a self realisation i had a few days back...which again...maybe a lot of you are already aware of....but then, i just felt you might want to know yet another version of the same conception !

I had once read a quote which goes like this 'A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.' This world consists of 80 percent of ordinary men. People who live an extremely average life. The rest extraordinary 20. This blog aint for you mate !

I have always told my fellow people to do WHAT THEY WANT TO DO...i have always encouraged them in their craziest of desires and wishes. i have stood by them, because the feeling you get when you see people close to you smile with joy and pride is priceless....But somewhere down the line i realised amidst all of this...i had lost control of my own self...I had a dream...which i wasnt living...i had wishes...i wasnt fulfilling...I had desires....which were getting lost somewhere......I am turning 20 this year....and suddenly i realised if it wasnt now...it'll never be...

I realised there wasnt much i could do to what has already happened...none of us can turn over the past...we are normal beings..we dont have the time machine..neither do we own magic wands...and well...we dont have fairy god mothers either...so running to the backyard and crying by the pool side wouldnt help anyway...

Its very important that if you see yourself somewhere 5 years or 10 years down the line, you start preparing today...right NOW... and its bullshitt when you say 'Ah man i have too much time'...No you dont...You have no idea what your missing out on!!! I have a dream of breaking through the normal life and doing something for myself....There comes a point in life when you look at the mirror and realise that you were so busy pleasing everyone else that you never bothered to make yourself smile.....and that is probably the biggest sin you could to yourself....

So...if you have a dream....and if your in a situation from where that seems impossible to come true.....change it...NO...NOT THE DREAM....THE BLOODY SITUATION...

'There is no way' is not an answer...there is a way for everything ...and definitely for something you WANT to do ....You LOVE to do !

Its very very important that after a while you break through....and dont jump over the obstacles..crash them down as you go! We all have wings....YES WE DO....Just that you need to jump off the cliff to know how high you can fly, because you miss out 100 percent of the shots you dont take !

We always knew life isnt fair...but its still good.....And in this process of bringing your dreams to life...its very important you let go....Sometimes the only person standing in your way is YOU....You have to let go of that selfish self at some point or the other...Make peace with your past so that it doesn't screw up your present....AND....AND...AND.....Never never compare your life....your situation to others....You have no idea what their journey is all about !

So if you want to do something...however big or small it is....however crazy it may seem....however i may defy logic and sensibility....IF YOU LOVE TO DO IT...IF YOU WANT TO DO IT.....THEN DO IT !!!! Start Now !! Over-Prepare....then go with the flow !

When it comes to going after what you love in life....never take no for an answer ! At the end of the day ITS YOUR LIFE ...YOUR DREAMS....YOUR WISHES....and no one is in charge of your happiness except you....

So if some thing has gone wrong....or lets take the the worst...lets say everything has gone wrong...then stand up....make an effort...You may not be able to change what has already gone wrong....but what you can do ....is make sure next time its always a RIGHT thing that happens!

What they say is very true..'You HAVE to believe in your dreams'...There will be too many people reluctant about it....and the lesser the faith they have in you....the more the faith you have in yourself!

SO go ahead...and make them happen....LIVE YOUR DREAMS.... FULFILL YOUR WISHES...YOUR DESIRES....CAUSE THEY ARE YOURS....ONLY YOURS...AND IF NO ONE ELSE CAN MAKE IT.......NO ONE ELSE CAN BREAK IT !!!

The White Cedar Tree by my window...

OK ...so its 7.14 in the evening here in Sydney, a cold autumn day it has been and right now with that golden-ish silver blissful moon peeping right through the window, something inside tells me i have to write something..but i m so clueless of any subject, so do pardon the brainlessness and baslessness of this post......... The other day i sat by the window pane and looked out at the huge White Cedar leafless tree, i wondered at the loneliness of the pale skinned branches. They looked lifeless with cold. Science says the temperature makes them even paler during winter, i wonder is it just those chilling winds that blew around it or was it the pain of letting go off the leaves for yet another season. Is it just dew drops or do the branches cry in the lonesome nights, away from all the noise of the day, in the seclusion of the forces around that made him let go off his leaves. And as he waits for another season to bring them back to him, he looks up every morning to see if the sun is brighter than the day, and wishes that summer kissed him soon. The white skin and broken lines on near the roots and not a leaf anywhere. The winds blow in and blow out, reminding the tree of the pain yet again, and he cries out wishing that his leaves would be back sooner than ever to come and hug him so tight that no wind could do a thing. And as days pass, the tree learn to live on without his love, learns to get over the anguish of letting go time and again, it learns to wait and believe that the wait will have a sooner ending...and that he will be loved again, and the sun will shine, brighter than ever.....making it warm..very warm...

By the Shore...A love story..

My last weekend was spent at a place three hours away from Sydney, a combination of hills and forests and sea shores, Hawk’s Nest…We had put up in the most amazing beach holiday home I have ever come across in a long time. It was more like a family holiday with two more families along with ours. But personally this was more like an escape from the everyday hustle bustle. Only after I had been there did I realize that how badly I needed this break. And when I say I kept myself away from everything that surrounded my life at the moment, I meant everything, and that includes internet connection and thus no networking sites as well…

What follows is just a collection of a few passing thoughts that had captured my mind when I was all by myself in these last four days. Sometimes by the sea, sometimes a walk along the lonely road, and sometimes a sleepless windy moonlit night spent in the balcony.

The other day I walked out to the beach mid afternoon. The weather was just about perfect...I sat on the sand and looked around... There was this lovely breeze going around and the sun was so mild that it barely touched your skin yet its warmth was such a turn on, and the ocean, I had never seen it so blue, so green and so lusty. It all seemed so unreal, like straight out from an artist’s canvas. And as I sat there I noticed the waves crash on the shore, one of the most natural and obvious sights u see on a sea shore. But then something caught my eyes, or rather my mind. As I saw the waves come crash on the sand they seemed like lovers desperate to unite. The waves running to her shores spreading her frothy white arms hugging the sand, and even before they could tell out their love to each other the depth of the oceans pulled her back, the shore striving hard to not let go, the sand letting himself loose, letting his wave wash away a bit of himself every time she crashed on him, every time she was pulled back. How desperate , the waves and the sand, how much they might be whining to love each other a bit longer, to embrace a bit longer. The sand weary of waiting, loving and letting go of the wave time and again. I wonder how much the waves must be pinning every time it gives into the sand and every time the ocean pulls her back faster. And the shells lying right there witnessing their painful endless love story forever. That is the way their life has been made and their destinies scripted. They say you can blare out all your secrets to the sea and it will swallow them all into the deep depth of the waves, and never let it out. The sound of the crashing of waves sounded weird, maybe not melody to the ears as many may say, but more like something that I could sit and listen to for ages, it sounded like those many secrets that they shared…. the wave making her love understand as to how much she was bound by the chains of nature, and how the sand cried himself out letting his love know that no matter how long it took, no matter how much pain it caused, he will be right there glued to the ground waiting for her to come and love longer, for them to meet, once and forever…And this has been happening for years and ages, yet the power did nothing to unite them, once and for all.

Yet the waves come running every time she gets a chance, embracing and loving the shores..and as the sand lets go and the ocean pulls back the waves to it’s depth, the sand lay there wet with the tears, shining under the beautiful sun, waiting for his love to return and to be loved yet again, and loved a little longer.

F for friends..F for family...

...It was a beautiful afternoon the other day as i came out to the backyard and sat by the pool...The sun had taken rest after quite a long while and the clouds had given it a quilt to hide behind...and the whole cloudy and breezy effect made the afternoon just better !! I was all fine sitting there with with my laptop screaming some worth-the-moment tracks from inside the house...till a couple of raindrops hit me....and in no time it was drizzling...i hurried up on my feet and almost turned towards the gate when something, didnt let me go in !

I sat back by the pool..and i realised as the raindrops grew bigger it felt good !!! The urge to go in and get dried was dying out !!! No !! Keep aside that all-girls-love-rain concept aside...m not an exception i gree but not in this case...The whole rain gave me a different feeling...It reminded me of home....Back there....

It reminded me of my jerks...my ass friends...my best friends....many a time has it been so that we had been this crazy to just walk thru the rain like nothing else mattered !!! And then, suddenly crept in a strange fear... A strange fear of losing it all with time.... You know how the world...and life has it....every one of us are gonna grow up and then grow older and just grow old... And in this process we lose them....we lose track of the people we cant live without now...And the point is we never can manage without them....we just learn to get used to their absence....their was a feeling of...what if years later when i walked by that same lane i had been walking for years..and i knocked by his doors, an old lady would walk out and say ..'They dont live here anymore..and i dont know where they live'... ur wondering in this world of texts and facebook and emails..no one loses touch...Nah ! They do !!! In spite of living in this just-a-phone-call-away era people lose touch...they just cant make time....And then when they grow older all they do is look through those photos when all of them looked so merry...so happy...with no fear on their faces...no complications to solve in their mind....because they knew they had each other by their side....even when they were acres away !!! They knew they'll pull it through because even if they cried ....they have people around ...not people who will give them a shoulder..but people who make them pee in their pants laughing....

And then we sit and search around for some old videos in the lost folders of our C drive...which once recorded all those lazy afternoons consisting of three guitars...a friend's room and some absolutely crazy creative minds.... And life was absolutely beautiful...

.....And suddenly everything around you feels so claustrophobic...the pool...the ripples on the water...the rain....the breeze ...nothin pleases you....you sweat...and want to shout out and scream...and cry....and just want to see them...juat a glance would be fine...

''Aami je khujechi tomaye....haye shudhu khujechi tomayeee''...i hear my phone ring and i rub my eyes trying to figure out how the fuck i had kept my phone out here in the rain....and far off i see that vibrating device .. i grab it and the screen flashes 'Ayan calling'... And i look around to see it is 1 at night...my laptop still playing the same track as in my dream (more of a nightmare)...and i go...Fuck dude..that was a bloody dream...i take the call and the vioce from the other side says...."Kire bhai...tor khobor ki.....dara shob kotake conference e tani...lord ta to bodhoy game khelche...aar banu je ki korche o e jane...'...I stammer to say something...and Ayan says...what ??? and i smile and say...'Thikache tui nildeep ke taan...ami jeet k tanchi !!'...and as the lines get connected..i look up....smile and say ...'I missed you jerks...'

FRIENDSHIP....oh...what a thing to do !!!

Returning Home 1 - The Airport- Arrival

...After a bloody span one long year i finally had been back to India...And as i stepped out of the aircraft ...the best feeling was i could smell..i smelt 'HOME' ....i smelt Calcutta (yes..i still prefer calling it Calcutta over Kolkata )....As the gates pf the airport spread wide ...i caught sight of my brother standing right there with the best smile i had witnessed in ages... and then i saw everyone..my brothers...sisters...sister-in-law...and before i could walk properly...my sister, Ree ran up to me and gave me the warmth i had been literally hankering for the last year..she HUGGED me..finaly a hug !!! the real one..the warm one...and she cried...i dint...my brother hugged me...he cried..i dint...my sister-in-law (more like a friend)hugged me...i turned back n saw my mum...she hugged me...she cried..i dint...and then my eyes caught this strong standing tall gentleman behind everyone just looking at me...and i walked down to him....smiling like i hadnt smiled for ages....He Hugged me....He didnt cry....I did....My Dad...anf when he hugged me ...i knew i had everything on this earth ...nothing to fear...nothing to lose...coz i was the princess then....and then i looked around everybody...They were happy...everybody was...but what mattred most was I WAS HAPPY !!! i was smiling...and the best part about that smile was i wasnt faking it !!...I smelt love..i smelt care...i smelt protection..i smelt MYSELF...yet again !!!

Heres to all those had been there just to receive me at the airport..THANK YOU...

Ree---I know u had ur exams just day after...and i know what u did tot get there..

Kush...I know samapika mashi would have killed u...u still were the....

Kuttush Dahling..---You always were a dalin..

Bhai n Priya Bhabi--If you werent there i would have bloody killed you..

Bony--I knew u'd be there...

MA n Baba--- Lets not even get there...

Thank you for just making things better !!!

...............................................................to be cont...